Both Sides of the Table

“I still don’t know everything, and from what I can tell I won’t ever know what I’m doing. But, I know more than I did six months ago, and that’s good enough for me.”

A Note on a Paradox

Here’s the thing, I know that my case is a special one. Not because it is better or worse than others, but it’s different, and by most circumstances it’s unprecedented. If you’ve been following along for some time now, then you’ll know that I am both a lecturer and a student. And to top that off, they’re both in the same institution at the same campus. Like I said, unprecedented.

Because of this, I am dealing with two different learning curves. But, I don’t believe they are mutually exclusive, in fact, I think that they fuel each other. And so, the following are things that I’ve learnt during my first six months of this particular paradox.

I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from creative professionals and teachers, it’s that we rarely know what we’re doing before we start doing it. There’s only so much preparation that you can do before you have to take whatever you’ve got by the horns and ride it out. And most of the time, we’re dealing with rodeo bulls.

I knew going into the lecturing profession that I was going to be tested. Not because it was an inherent challenge (which it is) but because I had no experience beyond countless conversations that were informal at best. I knew that I had something to say, and I knew I had a way of getting what I knew across to people who didn’t. I just wasn’t doing it at the scale that was making use of my potential. I know that probably sounds full of myself, but when you enjoy doing something and someone is willing to both contribute to that skill and remunerate you for it, you best think long and hard before turning it down.

The thing is, I’m learning while I’m teaching. Don’t misunderstand me here, I know what I’m teaching. I do this every day. I teach from experience. It’s the how that I’m in the dark on. If you know me, however, you’ll know I enjoy a good challenge. I’m one of those people that thrive under the pressure because the alternative is staying where I am and that won’t cut it.

I have also literally started teaching during one of the hardest times to teach in modern history. I had maybe two or three in-person classes before suddenly everything was online. It wasn’t exactly the smoothest experience, but in hindsight, I’ve learnt more than I could have otherwise. Just when I thought I had in-person lectures under control, suddenly I had to learn an entirely new way of teaching. I’ve had to learn twice, and twice as fast. I still don’t know everything, and from what I can tell I won’t ever know what I’m doing. But, I know more than I did six months ago, and that’s good enough for me.

It Doesn’t Get Easier

Now that I’m studying my postgraduate, I thought at first it would be like my undergrad, just a smidgen more intense. I was wrong. It is a lot more intense. I thought it would be a continuation, but it feels like what we did in undergrad was child’s play compared to the level of thinking we’re doing now. My favourite part of doing my Honours is that I get to have deeper conversations. I understand design and people deeper than I did before, and now that I have both the skills and the insight to action these ideas, the potential has compounded.

This hasn’t come at no cost, however. Nothing worthwhile ever does. When I first started on this journey I wrote about how I was told that studying part-time while working was going to be far more beneficial, but there would be many sacrifices. Those people were most certainly correct. I have learnt far more than I could have if I was only doing this. I know more about design and more about people because I actively apply everything that I’m learning in my work and my life. I’m experimenting in real-time and it’s pulling and stretching me in ways I didn’t think I could handle. As it turns out, I can. And you can too if you give yourself the chance and the motivation. But don’t expect it to come if you’re not willing to make a few sacrifices for it.

There are days where I want to pack it up and have my evenings to myself again. But then there are days where I’m more excited than ever to keep going, to keep learning and to keep applying what I’m learning. There was a particularly rough patch that I went through a little while ago and it started to affect both my working and my personal life, and my boss sat me down (virtually) and he told me a story.

He told me that he had a lecturer during his studies that gave him the strength to keep going. He was going through a rough patch himself, and his lecturer told him what he didn’t want to hear: it gets harder. This seems counterintuitive, but there was something to it. She told my young boss that everything in front of you looks harder than what is behind you, because it is. That’s why it’s in front of you still. Whenever you get through something, you’re met with something even harder and even more difficult to manoeuvre your way through. But you look behind you and realise that you’ve been steadily upping your game the whole time. This thing in front of you is there now because you’re ready for it. It makes what’s behind you look like nothing, like a sandpit of achievements that look insignificant to what is ahead of you. But that’s a good thing. That means you’re onto something. You’re on a path of growth.

This little pep-talk gave him a tool: to be able to look at what’s ahead, as hard as it may be and know that it gets even harder than that, so you may as well toughen up a little and get it done. Again, it seems counterintuitive, but if you’re reading this then I know you have the potential to see value in what that can do for you.

The funny thing is that now my boss was in that position himself, where he was saying that to someone else who needed to hear it: me. I know that what I’m doing is hard. I know that what I’ve done before seems easy compared to this. But I know now that it gets even harder, which means I’ve gotta tie my shoelaces a little tighter and prepare for a long run. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

Paradoxes Can Work

If you set them up to. I didn’t plan to both teach and study at the same time, it just happened. Both were incredible opportunities, though, that turning either down made it feel like I was missing out. I didn’t know that it was going to work as well as it has, but I decided I was going to embrace it and figure it out as I went along.

I looked at it and knew that there were going to be some conflict-of-interest moments. Which there have been, but I’ve managed to steer clear of them and make sure I don’t taint this incredible opportunity.

I study what I need to, and I teach what I need to. I compartmentalise. I separate what I’m doing and I keep them separate. It’s very easy to blur lines, and so I keep an eye on them at all times. Sometimes I slip up, but for the majority, I don’t. It works. For me at least.

But I don’t just leave it at that. I let what I learn while I’m studying influence how I approach my teaching, and I let what I learn while I’m teaching influence how I approach my studying. I learn about service during my Honours, and I apply it in my classroom. I learn the best process in my teaching and apply it in my assignments. I don’t let either circumstance’s potential to fuel each other go to waste.

If there’s one thing, however, that I’ve learnt from both teaching and studying at the same time, it’s that we never see the full picture. When you’re a teacher, you don’t always understand what it’s like to be the student. And when you’re a student, you don’t always understand what it’s like to be a teacher. Now I do, at the same time. And it’s empowering to say the least. I can now sit in a room (virtual or otherwise) and understand what the experience must be like for the person speaking, and my respect for them is deeper. In the same vein, I can stand at the front of that room and understand what it’s like to be listening to me, so I can make sure I’m going about it the best way.

That lets you tailor your approach to get the most out of it, both for you and who you’re teaching. Never underestimate the power of having both of your feet in two different worlds. I did, and I won’t do it again. This shit is real; and depending on how you choose to look at it, it can either be the worst thing to happen to you or the best thing to happen to you. It’s your choice. But, I’d choose the latter if I were you.