Get Back To Work

I’ve just lost my footing and I need to figure out which shoe needs to be a little tighter for this next stretch.

A Double-Sided Coin

“Get back to work.” Most people hear these words and feel uncomfortable, as though someone is implying that they aren’t working, to begin with. I know it well. Maybe you’re having a slightly longer lunch break and someone (maybe not so directly) tells you to get back to work, and now there’s this unsettling feeling in your stomach. Right now, though, I’m praising those words.

I think, for one of the incredibly few times in human history, people are more excited to “get back to work” than they have been in a long time. We’ve spent so much time in lockdown, on leave or on forced vacation that now we’re itching to get back to some normalcy, and for most of us, that’s the office (and not the home one).

I for one, am very excited, not because I’m unbelievably keen to get back to work, but because I need something to kick my ass into gear.

Stumbling Along

I have a confession. I am a pretty serious procrastinator. Most of the time I can procrastinate quite well, I call it productive procrastination. But lately, it’s been a struggle. In fact, I’ve been procrastinating about writing this article. Not because I don’t believe I need to write it, but because I do believe I need to write it and I have no idea what I’m going to say.

I’ve been procrastinating because I’m scared of what the truth is that I might uncover through my writing. Maybe I’ll have it figured out by the last full-stop, or maybe I won’t. I don’t know and the uncertainty terrifies me.

This is one of those times, though, where some stream of consciousness writing is more important than a detailed plan. So here goes nothing (or something — I don’t know yet).

Reset Terror

Remember when I wrote about overwhelm? I’ve been applying a lot of those techniques where I can, and they have really been helping. But, overwhelm is starting to rear its ugly head again, no matter how much I try to quell it.

I think I originally went through some overwhelm during this lockdown because at the beginning everything was new and confusing. I had to build new routines and press pause on the ones I knew so well up until then. I had to find a new way to work in a new environment. Now, the same thing is happening again, just in reverse.

Going back to work is going to reset those routines again, back to the old ones, but that means I now have to get used to them again. After nearly 3 months in lockdown, I’ve learnt new habits and routines. I don’t particularly want them to change again, it’s too overwhelming. I know, however, that my choices are limited.

I know that I need to get back to work because, funnily enough, work needs to get done and I’m the guy who does that. And honestly, I wouldn’t mind that in the slightest right now. I’m grateful to be in a position where I have a job to go back to because I know that for many, that isn’t possible anymore.

I also don’t have a problem with my lecturing either. I love the kids I’m teaching and I’m enjoying what that world is teaching me. My problem, is that I don’t only have those two jobs to do. And honestly (because why else wouldn’t I be), postgrad is getting a bit intense.

Something’s Gotta Give

I knew that doing my honours was going to be tough, and I knew that I was going to be challenged. I just didn’t know it was going to be this much. I know that some postgraduate programs offer two options in their course structures. Option one is a combination of courseware (and mini-projects) and a dissertation in the end. And option two, is a full dissertation. Now I know why so many people opt for the second option.

Courseware is hard, man. I had a taste of it with my undergrad, but now the projects are more intense and are set in shorter timelines. I definitely believe, right now, that the courseware could have been structured differently, because I’m struggling and I don’t think I should be this much. I also know that part of that thinking might just be because I’m not managing it well right now, but I’m not the only one, which makes me think otherwise.

I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming weeks. I’m not managing my projects well enough and my time seems fleeting. I knew I would have to make sacrifices for my success in this course, but I had no idea of their depth.

All I know is that something’s gotta give, I just don’t know where that will be. Is it in my workload? Or is it in the level of effort I keep trying to put into courses like these? I think it might be both, for now, until I can create a better solution.

Someone spoke to me recently, when I brought this up with them, and they told me that any solution to this predicament would have to be temporary. I think this is because, at the end of the day, certain things need to be done, objectives need to be met and jobs need to be fulfilled. In any normal circumstances, perhaps things could be different. But good luck telling me these are normal circumstances with a straight face.

Any solution right now will not be sustainable, and will only serve as a bandaid to give me time to find a way to stitch this wound up properly and for good. I can’t tell the future, but I think things will start to get easier soon; so I just need to find a way to get from here to there and then carry on.

It’s just going to take some time, time that is more precious now than ever, and I can correct the path I’m on. I’ve just lost my footing and I need to figure out which shoe needs to be a little tighter for this next stretch. When I’ve got an idea, I’ll let you know.