What It Feels Like To Have Free Time

What’s the hardest thing to do these days? Nothing. Doing nothing is damn hard.

I don’t have any.

Just kidding, I do. Well, to be honest, I do and I also don’t. It’s one of those weird situations where you know you’re taking a break or you’re not doing anything productive, but you could be doing something productive. It’s an ambiguous asshole like that.

It’s a hard balance to try to figure out, but it’s a worthy one to do so, because if you don’t, you’ll find yourself in a very hard rut down the line and you’ll have no one to thank but yourself for it.

Having started my postgrad, I’ve found that I have a lot less free time than I used to. Which makes sense, given that I work full-time and part-time. But, I still find that hard to accept sometimes. Even with everything else, I could still find (and enjoy) some time to be a potato or a vegetable. Now, though, that’s a great deal more difficult.

The funny thing, though, is that postgrad isn’t difficult because I suddenly don’t have the time, but rather because I’m having a hard time defining what real free time looks like. That shit is hard, man.

Productivity Quicksand

Let me give you a scenario. I find myself sitting at a table having dinner. I just cooked that dinner, so I better eat it while it’s still hot (it was intended to be hot so this would be the recommended course of action). So, I’m sitting and eating my dinner and halfway through it, as I place a fresh piece of (insert favourite meal here) into my mouth, I remember I have a paper to read in preparation for one of my classes in the following week. It’s a Saturday, so I tell myself, “no Zach, it’s a weekend, you must enjoy it.” EEEEHHH’NT. Incorrect. I’m doing my damn postgrad, I don’t have time to enjoy a weekend. Do I?

So, I carry on with my meal. I get close to being done and I remember that the paper I need to read, I actually read earlier in the day while my roommate was taking a nap on the couch (so I couldn’t play a video game — he didn’t know at the time that he was helping me, but that’s what I’m going to tell myself). Remembering that I read that paper, I get a quick sense of relief through my nervous system.

Wait. Which paper was that? Oh yes, one of the 3 that I had to read this weekend. Shit. So there I am, not having even finished my meal yet and I’m panicking over yet another paper to read. The first one was interesting, I’ll give it that, but I don’t want to look at any carefully formulated sentences for the day. That means I must do it tomorrow. Okay, I can push that to tomorrow.

But now I remember I also have to do research for another project. Crap. I can’t push that to tomorrow, can I? Yeah, I think I can. It will be Sunday, and you definitely won’t find me at Church, so I’ll preside at my desk for a while and crank out some deep work. Okay, great, I have a free evening then.

Wait, don’t I also have client work to do? Shit, yes I do. I spent most of the morning doing that, but I’m nowhere near done. Hell, I only just started. No, I must take a break, I need to give my brain a rest (I’m not wholly convinced, but I’m trying my best). Alright, I’ve deserved the free time I’m having right now.

But, wait, I have a class to teach in a few weeks that I need to prepare content for. I should probably get started on that so I’m ahead of the curve and can stay on top of my workload (I say this as a bead of sweat droves slowly down my left temple). No, I still have time for that, I can give myself the evening to recoup and prepare for tomorrow — which is a day that seems to be getting longer the more I write.

Hang on, don’t I also need to work on something else?

Burnout

There’s a typical example of what a weekend evening looks like for me now. Where I used to spend the evening catching up on a show, a movie or a gripping Rage 2 storyline, I’m sitting at a table and feeling my body temperature rise as I think about everything I have to do.

I went through something similar to this last year, where I had a great deal of unnecessary stuff on my plate. I had too many tasks and too many responsibilities (albeit to myself). And I did them all, but not to a happy ending. I burnt out hard, which is another story for another day. I think there are parts of me that are still trying to recover from that. I was doing too much in the place of doing something (or even a few things) that should have been geared towards recovery and rest. The scary thing about burnout is that you don’t realize it until it’s too late. Luckily, I know what it looks like now so I can try to keep an eye on it, as best I can at least.

I’m starting to worry that my evenings are looking a lot like those evenings again. Yes, I’ve got a few things that I do to keep my mental health I check, at least, and like you read last week, I’m trying to keep my physical health in check as well. These things, of course, help in the long-term game of balancing survival and ambition, but they require a lot to actually sit down and do.

And what’s the hardest thing to do these days? Nothing. Doing nothing is damn hard, even though honey-loving experts say that doing nothing sometimes leads to the very best something. But doing nothing is near impossible sometimes. I hate it. Most people do, in my experience. The feeling that you aren’t doing anything productive can be nauseating, especially if you’re ambitious. I feel it constantly, and I have to remind myself (sometimes loudly and verbally) that it’s worth it to take time off. Be smart about it, but it needs to happen.

I think it’s important to understand your plate and what’s on it. To be able to prioritise your workload (as a good friend of mine pointed out to me a year or so ago) can be a keystone skill that sets you apart. I’m working on that skill, as much as I can. In fact, I’m working on it now.

Remember that last thing that popped up in my scenario earlier? That was this article. And now I’m writing it. And that scenario? That’s one I’m sitting in right now. I guess the best thing you can do at times, is anything that will get your head out of the stressful pit it can so easily find itself in.

So right now I’m writing, and then I’m calling it a night to watch a movie. Time to take some time for myself, thank you very much.